Who you are in the bedroom reflects who you are in life

lucy's blog Oct 12, 2022

When I first heard this from Advaitananda a few years ago I felt a chill down my spine, without really knowing why as at the time I believed I was happy with my “bedroom” life.

In a later session of The Who Am I? Series we look at “Who am I in relationships and Intimacy”. This is a very tender area for most of us in truth. It is an area many of us do not speak of with real honesty. We either brag or are silent.

When I began having breathwork clients in my late 20’s I was so shocked at how prevalent and painful the intimate world was for those that came to me. Seemingly happy couples sharing a bed night after night, but with no intimacy sometimes for many years. One person rejecting. The other frustrated. Both silently heartbroken.  

How are you in the bedroom? Is it full of tiredness, suppressed anger, hurt, or joy? I don’t want to sound like I looking for miserable stories here, but with my experience in life and people opening to me, I have found that even seemingly happy relationships still have hurts, pains in this area and it needs to be continually uplifted.

It can be a lonely space. I remember in an earlier relationship many years ago feeling more lonely sharing a bed with my man, than when we separated and I was alone. 

It takes courage firstly to face the truth within ourselves. I have been there. The morning comes around and we brush off the sadness of the night and for a few hours deceive ourselves that all is well and there are so many other things that are good between us. Then… the night comes around again. Again the feeling of something just not seeming right, feelings of separation, dissatisfaction, lack of intimate communication, lack of true intimacy.

We do usually still love the person we are with but “stuff”, accumulated hurts, accumulated past experiences cloud the spontaneity of the present.

Typically couples make love as much in the first year they are together as in the whole of the rest of the relationship combined. 

It doesn’t have to be this way.

Lets come back to the initial sentence – How is the way you are in the bedroom the way you are in life?

Are you tired in your life? Wasting energies? Are you living a life that is not quite true to who you are? Is there a pretence of joy, when inside you feel so hurt and sad? Are you a giver or a taker? Are you boring, bored? Impatient?

In the last few years I have met couples who approach intimacy and relationships in a new way and their lives in other areas is so much more deeply joyful. If you make efforts to transform your daily life this will for sure ripple into the bedroom. It can also for sure work the other way around.

The first step is finding courage – can be a little step at a time. Look at the truth.

The second step is take responsibility for the world you have created. For example, if you have a wife, husband, lover, who has been rejecting you for years – what is your part in this? Rather than blaming – what is your lesson in this? Are you in touch with your masculinity, your femininity?

The third step is to take some actions. Again this could be small of large. What needs to be communicated from a place of love? How can your fundamental needs for erotic touch be fulfilled? 
Can you become more attractive? Are you making the best of your physical gifts? How can stop wasting your energies on small pointless things and redirect that energies powerfully to meeting your intimate desires?
Can you have the intention to meet afresh your intimate partner – putting aside the past? A new reboot each time.

How can you give more?

We need to look at the intimate world anew. This is a sexualized world. We need to move towards being in the present, slowing things down. Enjoying life, and intimacy in particular, moment by moment. Remove the concept of a goal, an endpoint (usually ejaculation), from our sexual experience and begin transforming it to an erotic place in the here and now without trying to “get” somewhere.

How would your daily life look if your intimate world became refreshed, truthful, humble, fascinating, full of love and passion?

It is possible. It requires self truth, self discovery, taking responsibility, courage, and the right actions.

Wishing you all my love. The “bedroom” can be a microcosm of life. Give it some attention wherever you are at in your intimate lives right now. The pain we can feel in this area of life is equally contrasted with the joy, love and ecstasy that can be experienced in intimacy. 

Don’t give up. 

If you would like to know more about the The Who am I? series beings Saturday November 19th to go more deeply on the path of self discovery go to: https://www.thequantumquestions.com/who-am-i

Early bird price ends November 19th, 2022.

Lucy Pattinson
Co-founder of The Quantum Questions

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